This time of year everyone writes down what they would like to change in the new year. Sometimes it's about eating habits or exercise. Maybe it's about taking a step back from a busy lifestyle. Mine is jumbled mix of things.
First, I want to make the most of my 20s. I'm tired of focusing on the negative about my life and I just wish to turn things around and have fun!
Second, not to be scared of the future. In high school, I had a plan. That plan went out the window. Freshman year of college, I had a plan. That one too went out the window. Junior year, I had a plan. You'd think I would have learned but no, it too went out the window. Now, I have no plan and it terrifies me. My future is a blank slate and that's ok.
Third, people have told me that I emanate confidence but inside I don't feel that way. Sure, I've grown to the point where I'm happy being Ruth Elisabeth Jackson through and through but there are things I really wish I could change. Sometimes, it surprises me how many people actually like me. That just sounded supremely depressing, but it was only after high school when I starting liking myself. This new year, I want to believe in myself fully.
Fourth, trusting God that He indeed wants me to be happy and not miserable. My mind always goes back to the times where I hated myself and wanted out which causes me to wonder if He wanted that. He never gave me anything better during that time. But the past is the past and I want to look forward to my future, my career. Sometimes I wonder if we are even on the same page. This one is going to be a hard one, but I am determined to stick with Him and see what He's thinking. (I'm praying I'll like it)
Happy New Year!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Sometimes Going Through the Fire Helps
Compared to some people I'm a baby, being "only" 23. Though the way I see it, I've been through a lot. I've felt like dirt, I've been ecstatic, I've seen kids as young as 5 treat their classmates like scum of the earth. There are times when God hates me. There are also times where I feel so blessed, no one could possibly bring me down. I don't understand why I've been through all the lows I have nor do I see the positive implications of them. I can speculate all day and not truly see the reasons why.
I keep reminding myself that there is a reason for my life and that God has a plan. Maybe the reason for Hell High School was so that I would be of assistance to Nobul Apparel, a non-profit I blog for. The whole existence of that company is to promote bullying awareness and to help others see the negative impacts of their actions. If I hadn't been treated with such contempt, I wouldn't have any personal stories to tell or feel the need to be an advocate against bullying. I still don't like what I went through and if I was thrown back in time, I'd stand up for myself better or even yet, begged harder to transfer out of that place.
Another reason for going through fire could be so that I would be a stronger individual. Now, I've never been one to cling to people or absolutely need a buddy to go to the bathroom, but with all the people who've struck havoc upon my life and ruined my trust and faith, I've been more careful and somewhat stricter on who I let into my life. There are certain kinds of people I'd rather not hang out with all the time. If people always talk down about someone else, who's to say they don't do the same to you when you're not around? I only want true friends who will be there when the ugliness clouds my thinking or I feel like hurting myself. Not those who are only with me when it's party time.
Going through the fire can be helpful to appreciate the blessings that come and not take anything for granted.
I keep reminding myself that there is a reason for my life and that God has a plan. Maybe the reason for Hell High School was so that I would be of assistance to Nobul Apparel, a non-profit I blog for. The whole existence of that company is to promote bullying awareness and to help others see the negative impacts of their actions. If I hadn't been treated with such contempt, I wouldn't have any personal stories to tell or feel the need to be an advocate against bullying. I still don't like what I went through and if I was thrown back in time, I'd stand up for myself better or even yet, begged harder to transfer out of that place.
Another reason for going through fire could be so that I would be a stronger individual. Now, I've never been one to cling to people or absolutely need a buddy to go to the bathroom, but with all the people who've struck havoc upon my life and ruined my trust and faith, I've been more careful and somewhat stricter on who I let into my life. There are certain kinds of people I'd rather not hang out with all the time. If people always talk down about someone else, who's to say they don't do the same to you when you're not around? I only want true friends who will be there when the ugliness clouds my thinking or I feel like hurting myself. Not those who are only with me when it's party time.
Going through the fire can be helpful to appreciate the blessings that come and not take anything for granted.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Who Defines the Word 'Normal'?
Whenever I hear someone say, "I'm not normal" I cringe. This reaction stems from the sadness I get knowing why people say that. Everyday we constantly compare ourselves to the people we work with, the people we see on the street and the "people" we see on TV. Let me remind you..the ones on TV are called characters because they are not living real lives. If you watch reality TV, there's a spin on it and almost always there are scenes cut out.
Everyone is unique and I like to say strange in our own way. There isn't a single person on the planet that is exactly like you or me. Now, there are people who share similar views, like the same things or even look alike but all in all we are different. This is a good thing! If everyone was exactly like me, the world would be boring!
I have to remind myself all the time to stop comparing myself to others because once I go down that path, my life crumbles and I surrender to the tears that fall. Looking at my friends' lives or even just people I know, they look so happy all the time and so perfect. If you ask them, you might get a different story. I would venture to say that most people don't air out their dirty laundry on social media. They may even hide that from their family and friends. Social media is where people expose the awesome parts of their lives. So the next time you start feeling bad about yourself, STOP and think about the amazing things you've done. Everyone has a different path, explore yours and tell the world about it!
So what is "normal'? You define it.
Everyone is unique and I like to say strange in our own way. There isn't a single person on the planet that is exactly like you or me. Now, there are people who share similar views, like the same things or even look alike but all in all we are different. This is a good thing! If everyone was exactly like me, the world would be boring!
I have to remind myself all the time to stop comparing myself to others because once I go down that path, my life crumbles and I surrender to the tears that fall. Looking at my friends' lives or even just people I know, they look so happy all the time and so perfect. If you ask them, you might get a different story. I would venture to say that most people don't air out their dirty laundry on social media. They may even hide that from their family and friends. Social media is where people expose the awesome parts of their lives. So the next time you start feeling bad about yourself, STOP and think about the amazing things you've done. Everyone has a different path, explore yours and tell the world about it!
So what is "normal'? You define it.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Makeup
I've read in girl/women magazines that many men prefer girls without makeup because it shows the real "you". When I was younger, in high school, I used to think that was silly. So many celebrities look so much better with makeup and in fact look dreadful without it. Now, post college, I realize why seeing the real person is so much more appealing.
Personally, I still feel like I don't look pretty without makeup, but I've been proven wrong on many occasions. Guys have hit on me, given me their number and called me 'beautiful lady' when I've been without "beautification" on my face while wearing sweatpants. To me I look boring or give the message that I don't care about how I look. I do care, maybe not as much as some people who cake themselves all over, but I do want to look good when I leave the house. Everyone should.
On the opposite side of the coin however, if putting makeup on is the only way you feel beautiful, something's wrong. You choose to be beautiful. Now, I know we all hate the phrase "Be beautiful on the inside" but in reality being beautiful on the inside counts for something too. In my life, I split the attention between the inside and the outside so that both are being treated right. I do my best to be kind, loving and respectful towards others while at the same time I make sure I look my best. I don't spend a ton of money (though there are times when my favorite stores have awesome sales), but will spend it on items that will enhance my inner light :)
Love yourself both inside and out and don't succumb to the pressure of needing makeup to be beautiful!
Personally, I still feel like I don't look pretty without makeup, but I've been proven wrong on many occasions. Guys have hit on me, given me their number and called me 'beautiful lady' when I've been without "beautification" on my face while wearing sweatpants. To me I look boring or give the message that I don't care about how I look. I do care, maybe not as much as some people who cake themselves all over, but I do want to look good when I leave the house. Everyone should.
On the opposite side of the coin however, if putting makeup on is the only way you feel beautiful, something's wrong. You choose to be beautiful. Now, I know we all hate the phrase "Be beautiful on the inside" but in reality being beautiful on the inside counts for something too. In my life, I split the attention between the inside and the outside so that both are being treated right. I do my best to be kind, loving and respectful towards others while at the same time I make sure I look my best. I don't spend a ton of money (though there are times when my favorite stores have awesome sales), but will spend it on items that will enhance my inner light :)
Love yourself both inside and out and don't succumb to the pressure of needing makeup to be beautiful!
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Tell Someone He Can Do Better
Whenever someone challenges me to do better, the first instinct is to defend what I've done then I realize... maybe I can do it better.
I will never forget when a librarian friend of mine who was running a writing class told me that I could do better on a story I had written. Her statement surprised me because prior teachers had always praised me for my work. So my mind was in warpdrive.
However, because she said that. I do my best to look over my work and not hold too tightly to something. If something needs changing in order to make it flow, funnier or whatever it may be, I aim to do better.
Tell someone he/she can do better. You never know how that one statement will change their life. :)
I will never forget when a librarian friend of mine who was running a writing class told me that I could do better on a story I had written. Her statement surprised me because prior teachers had always praised me for my work. So my mind was in warpdrive.
However, because she said that. I do my best to look over my work and not hold too tightly to something. If something needs changing in order to make it flow, funnier or whatever it may be, I aim to do better.
Tell someone he/she can do better. You never know how that one statement will change their life. :)
Monday, September 29, 2014
Advertising
Recently, I opened up to a new world of creativity. Writing for an ad agency is a different twist to what I'm familiar with. Growing up, I loved, and still do, creating stories filled with characters and plots from beyond the horizons. With this new gig, I get the chance to use my craziness and silly ideas to inform the public about a concept, idea or share new information about a brand new product they might like to have and enjoy!
So far it's been a whirlwind of learning but at the same time, I'm learning a whole new world that is too much fun! I've written TV scripts for commercials, radio spots and print ads. When I was given the assignments, I had no idea where to start, but now the ideas never stop!
If you had asked me in highschool, what I would be a year out of college, I would never would have guessed anything close to advertising.
So far it's been a whirlwind of learning but at the same time, I'm learning a whole new world that is too much fun! I've written TV scripts for commercials, radio spots and print ads. When I was given the assignments, I had no idea where to start, but now the ideas never stop!
If you had asked me in highschool, what I would be a year out of college, I would never would have guessed anything close to advertising.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Thinking Like God
I've been told to think about God as a parent more than a friend even though the Bible states that He "sticks closer than a brother." Personally, I find it hard to view God as a friend anyways because he's always telling me what to do. That's more the lines of a parent.
When bad things happen to me or when I honestly can't feel Him in my life, all I want to do is cry and throw things. Generally, I don't show my true feelings around others so unless the person knows me like the back of their hand, which only a couple can actually say that, no one will know when I'm depressed or feeling inadequate.
The movie, Joyful Noise, really hit home for me because both kids' feelings about God and their mother resonate with me. There were times where I hated God. I hated myself too. I'm not normal. I'm different from everybody else and I hated that! It wasn't until college, where I learned that it's ok to be different and on top of that, people actually liked me as me. God doesn't make trash! All of this brought memories of junior year at CORE where I gave a talk about this very matter. How quickly I forgot!
Over the years, I've been through a lot. Probably not as much as some people, but we all have our share of problems. I try to think like God when something I really wanted falls through or someone does do what I had hoped they would. I also try to remember that just because I made a mistake doesn't mean it's God's fault. I'm no saint and I'd never try to be, but I don't want to be a miserable old woman who's scared all the time. I'm afraid I won't ever be happy, I won't ever find a group of real Christian friends who are physically near me or that I won't even be financially independent...ever! I'll be stuck in my parents' home for the rest of my life miserable with no life and no friends. My mind tends to go to the worse case scenario.
Living with my parents sometimes feels like hell, especially the last few months. I've come to realize both care in their own ways and I try to remember that. One has been more open handed than the other and sometimes I wish I could get through to them that I'm not a kid and that I can actually think for myself and make good decisions. Yes, I will probably make more mistakes. No doubt, but that doesn't mean I need to be sheltered and guided every step anymore. I know what to avoid and I know how to handle myself. I'm a no nonsense person and I pray that never changes.
Thinking like God means I often need to take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. True, it's hard when I'm in the middle of it. I don't understand why I couldn't have that job in Iowa. Actually, I do, but I don't. If I had had that job, I wouldn't have found two in Connecticut that I utterly enjoy. Would I trade then for that position in Iowa, NOPE! WHY? Because the job in Iowa even though it involved writing, it wasn't actually the exact type of writing I LOVE to do. I like web content, but not as much as creative advertising or teaching ASL. So God gave me something HIGHER. Looking back, He's done that before, I just didn't believe He'd do it again.
When bad things happen to me or when I honestly can't feel Him in my life, all I want to do is cry and throw things. Generally, I don't show my true feelings around others so unless the person knows me like the back of their hand, which only a couple can actually say that, no one will know when I'm depressed or feeling inadequate.
The movie, Joyful Noise, really hit home for me because both kids' feelings about God and their mother resonate with me. There were times where I hated God. I hated myself too. I'm not normal. I'm different from everybody else and I hated that! It wasn't until college, where I learned that it's ok to be different and on top of that, people actually liked me as me. God doesn't make trash! All of this brought memories of junior year at CORE where I gave a talk about this very matter. How quickly I forgot!
Over the years, I've been through a lot. Probably not as much as some people, but we all have our share of problems. I try to think like God when something I really wanted falls through or someone does do what I had hoped they would. I also try to remember that just because I made a mistake doesn't mean it's God's fault. I'm no saint and I'd never try to be, but I don't want to be a miserable old woman who's scared all the time. I'm afraid I won't ever be happy, I won't ever find a group of real Christian friends who are physically near me or that I won't even be financially independent...ever! I'll be stuck in my parents' home for the rest of my life miserable with no life and no friends. My mind tends to go to the worse case scenario.
Living with my parents sometimes feels like hell, especially the last few months. I've come to realize both care in their own ways and I try to remember that. One has been more open handed than the other and sometimes I wish I could get through to them that I'm not a kid and that I can actually think for myself and make good decisions. Yes, I will probably make more mistakes. No doubt, but that doesn't mean I need to be sheltered and guided every step anymore. I know what to avoid and I know how to handle myself. I'm a no nonsense person and I pray that never changes.
Thinking like God means I often need to take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. True, it's hard when I'm in the middle of it. I don't understand why I couldn't have that job in Iowa. Actually, I do, but I don't. If I had had that job, I wouldn't have found two in Connecticut that I utterly enjoy. Would I trade then for that position in Iowa, NOPE! WHY? Because the job in Iowa even though it involved writing, it wasn't actually the exact type of writing I LOVE to do. I like web content, but not as much as creative advertising or teaching ASL. So God gave me something HIGHER. Looking back, He's done that before, I just didn't believe He'd do it again.
What Life Throws
Sometimes life gets me down and sometimes I want to never let go
We have to take it day by day
and never let a bad day get to us.
It's better not to punish yourself by
overthinking little things or
crying yourself to sleep every night.
Instead, find the good things throughout everyday.
Keep in mind, some days will not be good, but
there is something to enjoy about each one.
Sometimes life spins out surprises which I have no idea what to do.
It's a good feeling, yet I'm overwhelmed.
Loving the smile it produces on my face.
We have to take it day by day
and never let a bad day get to us.
It's better not to punish yourself by
overthinking little things or
crying yourself to sleep every night.
Instead, find the good things throughout everyday.
Keep in mind, some days will not be good, but
there is something to enjoy about each one.
Sometimes life spins out surprises which I have no idea what to do.
It's a good feeling, yet I'm overwhelmed.
Loving the smile it produces on my face.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Nobody Ate Any Bones!
One of my favorite ads to date is KFC's Boneless Chicken because it's hilarious and comes to my mind at random moments. It also does exactly what an ad should do, be memorable. In my opinion there are only a few that are memorable in a good way and don't become annoying like the Geico Fraud Protection commercials. Though, I do like that they have more than one playing. This makes it easier on the average citizen.
After watching KFC's Boneless Chicken TV ad, I was seriously craving some chicken! I've always been a bigger fan of boneless chicken than legs. So when KFC came out with these, needless to say I was thrilled! Let's get some boneless chicken!!
After watching KFC's Boneless Chicken TV ad, I was seriously craving some chicken! I've always been a bigger fan of boneless chicken than legs. So when KFC came out with these, needless to say I was thrilled! Let's get some boneless chicken!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Drowning
My past envelops me
chains me to the rail
smothers me till I can't breathe
Hatred fills my veins
for the people who made me feel this way
I can't seem to let it go
I want to, so very badly
but its iron clad fists are too tight
Shame that comes to torment
because I shouldn't have let them treat me like that
Shame threatens to whack me right and left
because I should have stood up for myself
Never waste tears on those who could literally care less
Never waste emotions on those who need to make others feel bad
Never waste time with those who only pretend to like you
Tired of restless nights
Dreaming of a better future
I deserve at least that.
chains me to the rail
smothers me till I can't breathe
Hatred fills my veins
for the people who made me feel this way
I can't seem to let it go
I want to, so very badly
but its iron clad fists are too tight
Shame that comes to torment
because I shouldn't have let them treat me like that
Shame threatens to whack me right and left
because I should have stood up for myself
Never waste tears on those who could literally care less
Never waste emotions on those who need to make others feel bad
Never waste time with those who only pretend to like you
Tired of restless nights
Dreaming of a better future
I deserve at least that.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Why Can't We Leave Russia Alone?
It seems like the majority of verbal attacks I've seen on social media have been because of their stance in the gay rights issue. The name calling and hatred of Russia was rampant throughout the Olympic Winter Games and it was really annoying. The Games are supposed to be a way for countries put their political and social beliefs aside and just have fun in a competitive atmosphere. This past games seemed to be the direct opposite of that. It shouldn't matter what another country believes or whether or not their standards align with ours. Don't shove it in their faces or theirs in ours, just have fun!
Russia and every other country should have the right to their own opinions. Does every country need to agree with Europe or the USA? NO! Each country should rule their people in the way they see fit. If we aren't allowed to have our own opinions, there's no point in living. If we cut off everyone who has a different opinion than us, then we will never learn to see the world differently nor will we make friends who may open our eyes to new ideas. Sorry, but I feel like that's really idiotic when people stop talking to someone with a different viewpoint or make choices we don't agree with.
I have been on the fence for quite some time on the issue of whether or not the USA should come to every country's aid when a war breaks out. We have a lot of resources that can help others, yes. At the same time, they might be able to handle it themselves if we let them. It seems the USA is the parent and the Middle Eastern countries as well as others are the children that need help walking. If we never let them walk on their own, they never will learn how to.
So, does the USA have to cut ties with countries who don't allow gay marriages and the like? So what they have a different opinion. If another country forbade ice cream, does that mean we should stop selling milk to them? I have friends who have different religions or different ideas how to do things. Doesn't make it ok for me to say, "You're not my friend because you're a Muslim or you wash your whites with your darks!" Crazy right? Personally, I love meeting people with different unique backgrounds. One of my previous boyfriends is from another country and I learned a lot from him that I wouldn't have otherwise. I had never even heard of that country before. The relationship was neat and fun.
Everyone will have a different opinion than you. Some people are still living during or before the Emancipation Proclamation period of time. If that's how they want to live, fine. It's sad no doubt, but I don't hate them. Different opinions are ok and should be embraced. Don't hate them for not agreeing with you.
Russia and every other country should have the right to their own opinions. Does every country need to agree with Europe or the USA? NO! Each country should rule their people in the way they see fit. If we aren't allowed to have our own opinions, there's no point in living. If we cut off everyone who has a different opinion than us, then we will never learn to see the world differently nor will we make friends who may open our eyes to new ideas. Sorry, but I feel like that's really idiotic when people stop talking to someone with a different viewpoint or make choices we don't agree with.
I have been on the fence for quite some time on the issue of whether or not the USA should come to every country's aid when a war breaks out. We have a lot of resources that can help others, yes. At the same time, they might be able to handle it themselves if we let them. It seems the USA is the parent and the Middle Eastern countries as well as others are the children that need help walking. If we never let them walk on their own, they never will learn how to.
So, does the USA have to cut ties with countries who don't allow gay marriages and the like? So what they have a different opinion. If another country forbade ice cream, does that mean we should stop selling milk to them? I have friends who have different religions or different ideas how to do things. Doesn't make it ok for me to say, "You're not my friend because you're a Muslim or you wash your whites with your darks!" Crazy right? Personally, I love meeting people with different unique backgrounds. One of my previous boyfriends is from another country and I learned a lot from him that I wouldn't have otherwise. I had never even heard of that country before. The relationship was neat and fun.
Everyone will have a different opinion than you. Some people are still living during or before the Emancipation Proclamation period of time. If that's how they want to live, fine. It's sad no doubt, but I don't hate them. Different opinions are ok and should be embraced. Don't hate them for not agreeing with you.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Settling
We've all been told "never settle" whether it's a boyfriend, a job or especially a spouse. I've come to the realization that I have no idea what settling would be in many instances. With a boyfriend, I definitely think settling would be letting someone walk all over me, call me names or treat me with disrespect. But I'm wondering if there is more to it than that.
In the case of a job, in my mind settling would be writing for a newspaper/magazine who has themes that I don't agree with or continually asks me to write stories I have either zero interest in writing or to go even further write about a topic I'm uncomfortable with. I already have a "list" of kinds of companies I won't work for or jobs I won't apply for simply because I don't have the passion for the topic like a vegan magazine for example. Some job listings that I find aren't my style because it involves technical writing which I already know I don't like. In my mind, why relocate for a job that I have no passion for? This would be settling.
The other side of this is the fact that I know I won't get my dream job the first time around and maybe not even the second, but my first shouldn't be something I hate, right? It should be fun, interesting, a position I can build upon, learn from, be a stepping stone in a direction I'm thinking of going in. Not stoic or of little interest to be before I even write the cover letter. When writing those, employers want to see passion right? If you have no passion for the company or the position, why apply?
Spouse is a whole nother topic and I'm sure we each have a list of "must haves" and "must not haves"! Maturity is a big one since I keep winding up with immature boyfriends. Granted, girls mature faster than boys so even at 22, they can be.....irritating. So maybe immature is a harsh word for them, but in some areas I believe we all need to grow up.
I believe that settling is never a good thing and that we all should make lists of what we shouldn't setting for.
In the case of a job, in my mind settling would be writing for a newspaper/magazine who has themes that I don't agree with or continually asks me to write stories I have either zero interest in writing or to go even further write about a topic I'm uncomfortable with. I already have a "list" of kinds of companies I won't work for or jobs I won't apply for simply because I don't have the passion for the topic like a vegan magazine for example. Some job listings that I find aren't my style because it involves technical writing which I already know I don't like. In my mind, why relocate for a job that I have no passion for? This would be settling.
The other side of this is the fact that I know I won't get my dream job the first time around and maybe not even the second, but my first shouldn't be something I hate, right? It should be fun, interesting, a position I can build upon, learn from, be a stepping stone in a direction I'm thinking of going in. Not stoic or of little interest to be before I even write the cover letter. When writing those, employers want to see passion right? If you have no passion for the company or the position, why apply?
Spouse is a whole nother topic and I'm sure we each have a list of "must haves" and "must not haves"! Maturity is a big one since I keep winding up with immature boyfriends. Granted, girls mature faster than boys so even at 22, they can be.....irritating. So maybe immature is a harsh word for them, but in some areas I believe we all need to grow up.
I believe that settling is never a good thing and that we all should make lists of what we shouldn't setting for.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Passion
The question most people ask themselves when trying to find a major or find out who they are is "what is my passion?" I've known the answer to this question beginning in third grade when I wrote my first story. I only vaguely remember the assignment. My teacher wanted us to create a story that was 2 - 3 pages long about anything we wanted. From my knowledge, I've never written a story before but I have had dreams and was encouraged to write them down because they were usually very creative and humorous.
The particular story I wrote in third grade was more pages than the teacher asked for. After reading and grading all of them, she asked me to read it in front of the whole class. Since then, I found that I enjoyed writing stories and always got excited when we received a creative project. It was and still is fun creating characters and plots that makes the reader keep turning the page.
Currently, I'm writing a novel, my first one! It's fun, yet tiring especially since I'm in the editing stage. Subtracting is the hardest part since I tend to get attached to a first draft. Someday, it will get done. It doesn't have to be a bestseller, but it would make my world brighter if it did.
The particular story I wrote in third grade was more pages than the teacher asked for. After reading and grading all of them, she asked me to read it in front of the whole class. Since then, I found that I enjoyed writing stories and always got excited when we received a creative project. It was and still is fun creating characters and plots that makes the reader keep turning the page.
Currently, I'm writing a novel, my first one! It's fun, yet tiring especially since I'm in the editing stage. Subtracting is the hardest part since I tend to get attached to a first draft. Someday, it will get done. It doesn't have to be a bestseller, but it would make my world brighter if it did.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
What Does Love Mean? Really?
Everyone has their own version of what love is or what love means to them. It's alright to have different ways to want to be loved or for others to show love to you. That is what they call "love languages." One way I know for sure someone loves me and cares for me is when the person gives me a "just because" present. Honestly, it could be anything from my favorite candy to a magnet of a puppy. Both of which I've gotten before. Another way is when someone tells me the truth even when it's hard for them to admit or for me to hear. This doesn't happen very often.
What people don't realize is that real love includes sacrifice. I don't mean killing an animal like in Biblical times. What I mean is putting the person's feelings before your own. For instance, I love love love NCIS, Rookie Blue, Person of Interest, Motive and the like. Some people don't like those types of shows. If my boyfriend or best friend wants to watch NASCAR or some sappy teary chick flick, if I truly love them I will set aside my hatred for such things and watch it with them. Now this doesn't mean I have to watch these things all the time and neither should the other. Together, we have to agree to sacrifice every so often. Balance.
Another thing I feel is important before breathing the word "love" especially out loud is making sure the other feels comfortable to be vulnerable. This gets tricky. No one likes to be vulnerable. I know I don't. In fact, I hate it. Everytime I take a risk like this, I get burned. I realized why though. I was vulnerable to the wrong people, those who didn't really love me or know how to love truly. So now, I take my time in deciding if this person I think I love is worth the risk.
So I encourage you to think before declaring your love for someone, before telling someone you are their best friend. It hurts when you realize all this time that person never really loved you, only pretended. That's painful. Love is a beautiful thing so don't say it till you mean it.
What people don't realize is that real love includes sacrifice. I don't mean killing an animal like in Biblical times. What I mean is putting the person's feelings before your own. For instance, I love love love NCIS, Rookie Blue, Person of Interest, Motive and the like. Some people don't like those types of shows. If my boyfriend or best friend wants to watch NASCAR or some sappy teary chick flick, if I truly love them I will set aside my hatred for such things and watch it with them. Now this doesn't mean I have to watch these things all the time and neither should the other. Together, we have to agree to sacrifice every so often. Balance.
Another thing I feel is important before breathing the word "love" especially out loud is making sure the other feels comfortable to be vulnerable. This gets tricky. No one likes to be vulnerable. I know I don't. In fact, I hate it. Everytime I take a risk like this, I get burned. I realized why though. I was vulnerable to the wrong people, those who didn't really love me or know how to love truly. So now, I take my time in deciding if this person I think I love is worth the risk.
So I encourage you to think before declaring your love for someone, before telling someone you are their best friend. It hurts when you realize all this time that person never really loved you, only pretended. That's painful. Love is a beautiful thing so don't say it till you mean it.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
On the Inside, but Still on the Outside Looking In
You know that feeling where you start to feel like you belong? Then something happens, could be the littlest thing like two friends talking/whispering and you're not included. They begin to laugh and you look up. They're not even looking your way or acknowledging you. How does that make you feel? For me, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't want to be needy. In fact, I hate it when people act that way. So I make it a point not to do the same.
My friends tell me they miss me all the time. Their words very often don't match their actions. Am I missing something? In my heart, I know that if I got into a car accident or if I needed a shoulder to cry on, they'd come running. But what about the day to day stuff? No, I'm not asking for a 20 minute conversation every single day, but when two people can go months without talking to one another and not feel something's missing...I'm not sure what to do with that.
I've been in long distance relationships where one doesn't have internet at all so I rarely got to communicate with them. That is understandable where two people go without talking for awhile and still be close. Don't get me wrong, I still hate that kind of relationship, but at least I know why.
We are blessed to live in the United States where everyone is just a tap away on our phones or computers. Even though we have all this technology, many people still feel lonely. Why? We have more of a relationship with words on a screen than the actual person. Distance, physical distance, can be a huge strain I know. Sometimes, Skype isn't even enough. So what should we lonely people do?
Idea! Get out of the house and find people. This isn't easy, trust me. I hate being the new girl. But I've found it to be quite rewarding to meet new people. Ones who don't know the terrible things you've done or seen the tears you've shed. A fresh start. I love that.
My friends tell me they miss me all the time. Their words very often don't match their actions. Am I missing something? In my heart, I know that if I got into a car accident or if I needed a shoulder to cry on, they'd come running. But what about the day to day stuff? No, I'm not asking for a 20 minute conversation every single day, but when two people can go months without talking to one another and not feel something's missing...I'm not sure what to do with that.
I've been in long distance relationships where one doesn't have internet at all so I rarely got to communicate with them. That is understandable where two people go without talking for awhile and still be close. Don't get me wrong, I still hate that kind of relationship, but at least I know why.
We are blessed to live in the United States where everyone is just a tap away on our phones or computers. Even though we have all this technology, many people still feel lonely. Why? We have more of a relationship with words on a screen than the actual person. Distance, physical distance, can be a huge strain I know. Sometimes, Skype isn't even enough. So what should we lonely people do?
Idea! Get out of the house and find people. This isn't easy, trust me. I hate being the new girl. But I've found it to be quite rewarding to meet new people. Ones who don't know the terrible things you've done or seen the tears you've shed. A fresh start. I love that.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Broken
A heart too often broken,
keeping it wide open
isn't safe, yet I keep on
letting someone else in close
is a risk, yet I keep on
putting someone else in charge
is scary, yet I keep on
keeping it wide open
isn't safe, yet I keep on
letting someone else in close
is a risk, yet I keep on
putting someone else in charge
is scary, yet I keep on
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Alone
Even though I have many friends, I feel alone. Why? We are now all separated by work and furthering our education after college. Communication is a huge deal to me when it comes to relationships and some just don't get it and I'm not sure how to help them see my dilemma. I love hanging out with them and when we can, we get together. Being back at Ithaca was awesome mainly because I was back "home" with my friends. They say home is where the heart is and my heart is in Ithaca. My real reality doesn't feel like home but just a place where I sleep and eat. My parents are there and occasionally my younger sister, but for the most part I don't have a reason to stick around.
Being alone stinks and is the worst part of post-grad life. Sure, I made friends at work and I like them, but never do things outside of work. I feel like I'm inside but still looking in, ya know? Sometimes there are fun outings with some kids from another church, so there's a plus. Maybe I shouldn't worry about this so much since I work a lot, but it's money or a social life. Why can't I have both? Someday, I will have a normal working job and will get to hang out with people my own age. Waiting for that day. Until then, I'm alone.
Being alone stinks and is the worst part of post-grad life. Sure, I made friends at work and I like them, but never do things outside of work. I feel like I'm inside but still looking in, ya know? Sometimes there are fun outings with some kids from another church, so there's a plus. Maybe I shouldn't worry about this so much since I work a lot, but it's money or a social life. Why can't I have both? Someday, I will have a normal working job and will get to hang out with people my own age. Waiting for that day. Until then, I'm alone.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Family
Family doesn't have to just mean your flesh and blood, it can mean a church family, neighbors, best friends or a group/club you are a part of.
I'm blessed to have so many families and I cherish each one, at least I try to. These days those outside of my birth family, they are mostly older than 30. It's nice to hang out with people your own age. Who will disagree with that?
Loved being able to hang with my HOP family last weekend! It felt so good to be with them and really catch up. Even though, we live in the 21st century, it's hard to keep up with friends when they are busy.
For my birthday last year, I was happy to be with two older friends who took me out on a boat ride then lunch. They are both over 40, but fun to be around. I'm glad I had them to hang with otherwise I'd be by myself or with my parents all day.
Finding the silver lining in situations like this is what makes me smile. Someday when I'm on my own, I hope I will continue to look for the bight side in situations.
Never give up, no matter how bleak the situation is.
I'm blessed to have so many families and I cherish each one, at least I try to. These days those outside of my birth family, they are mostly older than 30. It's nice to hang out with people your own age. Who will disagree with that?
Loved being able to hang with my HOP family last weekend! It felt so good to be with them and really catch up. Even though, we live in the 21st century, it's hard to keep up with friends when they are busy.
For my birthday last year, I was happy to be with two older friends who took me out on a boat ride then lunch. They are both over 40, but fun to be around. I'm glad I had them to hang with otherwise I'd be by myself or with my parents all day.
Finding the silver lining in situations like this is what makes me smile. Someday when I'm on my own, I hope I will continue to look for the bight side in situations.
Never give up, no matter how bleak the situation is.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Sad Eyes
Lying to people I don't know very well, that's easy. Lying to people I know care about my life is extremely depressing. I don't want them to know the truth; the raw grief inside. It's killing me, but I'd rather hide it than leave it exposed.
I can laugh even though I feel like crying. I force myself to be social even when I'd rather bury myself into my pillow.
Talking about the pain doesn't lessen it; it just forces me to relive it. No matter how many times I try to explain why I am upset, it doesn't get me anywhere. No one knows what I'm feeling.
Praying doesn't seem to help either. He doesn't seem to be listening or even care. Remembering that He doesn't forsake His children, doesn't put a smile on my face. What are You doing?
Those who know me can tell I'm not myself. My eyes tell them I'm not happy, but I don't want to voice why.
Sad Eyes, go away. Be happy again.
I can laugh even though I feel like crying. I force myself to be social even when I'd rather bury myself into my pillow.
Talking about the pain doesn't lessen it; it just forces me to relive it. No matter how many times I try to explain why I am upset, it doesn't get me anywhere. No one knows what I'm feeling.
Praying doesn't seem to help either. He doesn't seem to be listening or even care. Remembering that He doesn't forsake His children, doesn't put a smile on my face. What are You doing?
Those who know me can tell I'm not myself. My eyes tell them I'm not happy, but I don't want to voice why.
Sad Eyes, go away. Be happy again.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Trust
Trust is important in every kind of relationship whether it's business or personal. When someone breaks that trust, it's very hard to get it back. My view of it all, trust is earned not given. For example, if I do something stupid and cause a friend of mine to lose trust or confidence in me, I would do everything in my power to get that back. Since I'm a writer, I tend to use that skill in order to bring people back to me. I'm a better communicator on paper than I am talking out loud. So I write letters or poem to the people I've hurt so that they may see how sorry I am for hurting them and wish to start over.
When two people become friends, they must build trust before an "official friendship" begins, right? You learn about each other's likes and dislikes and pet-peeves. You try to remember all those especially if a birthday comes up. If someone wanted to be my friend and they knew my favorite candy is Skittles then giving me a king size bag for my birthday would MAKE MY DAY! This is the beginning of love/trust/commitment in a sense. It doesn't even have to involve money. It could be just being there when the other person needs a shoulder or a listening ear. Maybe you scored concert tickets from someone who was giving them away and it happens to be a favorite band or team.
Once you begin to trust someone. Love isn't far behind and I don't mean the "I will love you until the day I die" kind. I mean the kind of love that puts the other person's feelings first and wanting to do whatever it takes to see the other smile.
A lot of people don't like the Bible because it's old and "out dated." I will agree with them up to a point. So many practical lessons can be learned from this dusty book. "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians chapter 13: 4 - 7
This is real love and real trust is just the beginning.
When I trust someone, seriously trust, I tend to hold nothing back. I love going all out on my friends' birthdays and Christmas and enjoy being there for them. Of course, when it comes to "no secrets," it's very hard to not want to hold the bad things back. Honestly, I can't wait to feel like I don't have to hide anything and to be free to love.
Trust is the rock of every relationship and it needs to be solid less it crumble. It's takes two people to build it and both need to come to agreements and be willing to work at it equally.
When two people become friends, they must build trust before an "official friendship" begins, right? You learn about each other's likes and dislikes and pet-peeves. You try to remember all those especially if a birthday comes up. If someone wanted to be my friend and they knew my favorite candy is Skittles then giving me a king size bag for my birthday would MAKE MY DAY! This is the beginning of love/trust/commitment in a sense. It doesn't even have to involve money. It could be just being there when the other person needs a shoulder or a listening ear. Maybe you scored concert tickets from someone who was giving them away and it happens to be a favorite band or team.
Once you begin to trust someone. Love isn't far behind and I don't mean the "I will love you until the day I die" kind. I mean the kind of love that puts the other person's feelings first and wanting to do whatever it takes to see the other smile.
A lot of people don't like the Bible because it's old and "out dated." I will agree with them up to a point. So many practical lessons can be learned from this dusty book. "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians chapter 13: 4 - 7
This is real love and real trust is just the beginning.
When I trust someone, seriously trust, I tend to hold nothing back. I love going all out on my friends' birthdays and Christmas and enjoy being there for them. Of course, when it comes to "no secrets," it's very hard to not want to hold the bad things back. Honestly, I can't wait to feel like I don't have to hide anything and to be free to love.
Trust is the rock of every relationship and it needs to be solid less it crumble. It's takes two people to build it and both need to come to agreements and be willing to work at it equally.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Living where? How?
As much as I appreciate my parents for giving me a place to be after graduation, I'm getting quite tired of having to succumb to their rules and be without friends my own age I can go out with on weekends. Maybe Whitney is right, that I need to just go somewhere and invite people. Then the question is, who? How can I be an adult living under my parents' roof? I miss college because I could go places and not have to answer to someone if I come back at 3am. I love visiting my friends in NYC to get that outlet. What do I do with my free time now? Read, watch TV shows, play with my dog, you get the picture. My only friend my own age living in CT with her parents is Kym who is busier than I am right now. I have two friends who live in the next town over, but they are busy as well. How do I be proactive about this? I have friends at work sure, but do we do anything outside of work? Nope. Do I want to? Yes. Hosting a party at my parent's house doesn't sound appealing. Asking people to spend money, isn't ideal either. So what is left? I'm not happy with my life period. How can I make it better? Is there even a point to asking?
Bright side? Hmmmm.....I have to think about this. Getting some work done on my novel and writing poetry. Who knows, when I get a full time position if I will even have time or the energy.
Bright side? Hmmmm.....I have to think about this. Getting some work done on my novel and writing poetry. Who knows, when I get a full time position if I will even have time or the energy.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Being a Leader
It's seriously difficult to be in charge of a group of people no matter how big or diverse the group is. I remember being in charge of a few groups and when things went wrong, it was hard to find a way to ease tension or find the right way to do something. Whenever I hit a wall, I like to take a walk and carefully find a way to diffuse a situation.
Recently, I've been reading the National Bestseller, "Lean In" and I'm loving it. This quote and tidbit I like are, "Miss-communication is a two way street," Gender roles should be 50 - 50. What she meant by the latter is that couples should do half the housework and be half a bread winner. I like that idea. I never liked the idea of giving up my passion of writing or my joy of working outside the home when I get married.
I have a love/hate relationship with being a leader. It's fun to be in charge because I get to use my creative ways and when the group is a passion or like a family, hopefully both.
I admire people who can put others in their place without anger or being mean. Granted, sometimes you need to be forceful to get the point across. Many times I tend to keep my mouth shut instead of standing up to bullies or people who just don't see all that I'm doing for them.
Recently, I've been reading the National Bestseller, "Lean In" and I'm loving it. This quote and tidbit I like are, "Miss-communication is a two way street," Gender roles should be 50 - 50. What she meant by the latter is that couples should do half the housework and be half a bread winner. I like that idea. I never liked the idea of giving up my passion of writing or my joy of working outside the home when I get married.
I have a love/hate relationship with being a leader. It's fun to be in charge because I get to use my creative ways and when the group is a passion or like a family, hopefully both.
I admire people who can put others in their place without anger or being mean. Granted, sometimes you need to be forceful to get the point across. Many times I tend to keep my mouth shut instead of standing up to bullies or people who just don't see all that I'm doing for them.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Animal Print
Way before animal print became a "thing" or a "fad" I loved leopards. Now with the abundance of items of clothing with that particular print and many others, I have quite a collection. My favorite piece is a white and black zebra coat. It's so not practical in New England weather, but I should be able to wear it in early spring for a few weeks anyways. Another piece I like to wear often are my leopard pants/jeans. I can pair it with almost any color since the pants are tan/brown. My zebra coat I like to wear with a red or hot pink top and dark washed jeans. Love it!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Secrets
Our deepest feelings reveal the best stories.
Love
Both a curse
and a blessing
Feelings for you
never completely dissolve
instead they drop anchor
Every time I think
I'm finally over you
something reminds me I'm not
Wondering how you're doing
Wondering if you're over me
Wondering what's new
I don't care what
anyone else says
I just want you back
Love
Both a curse
and a blessing
Feelings for you
never completely dissolve
instead they drop anchor
Every time I think
I'm finally over you
something reminds me I'm not
Wondering how you're doing
Wondering if you're over me
Wondering what's new
I don't care what
anyone else says
I just want you back
Saturday, January 25, 2014
New Year and New Me
Been too long since I've written on here. :(
2013 has taught be a lot for instance to not trust everyone fully who says they want to publish something of mine especially before they even see it. So many publications just want you to buy the book that your poem or short story is in and of course the book is hard cover and cost over $50! Annoying!
I haven't given up on trying to get a short story of mine published nor my dream of becoming a NY Times Bestseller. It's slow going since when I'm home many times I don't really feel like writing, but I must press onward and upward. The hard part is figuring out which publications to send my work to. I've yet to feel good about sending my work into high esteemed publishers like Writers Digest since their reading fees are high, but I know it would be a great opportunity to get chosen never mind read. We shall see.
2013 has taught be a lot for instance to not trust everyone fully who says they want to publish something of mine especially before they even see it. So many publications just want you to buy the book that your poem or short story is in and of course the book is hard cover and cost over $50! Annoying!
I haven't given up on trying to get a short story of mine published nor my dream of becoming a NY Times Bestseller. It's slow going since when I'm home many times I don't really feel like writing, but I must press onward and upward. The hard part is figuring out which publications to send my work to. I've yet to feel good about sending my work into high esteemed publishers like Writers Digest since their reading fees are high, but I know it would be a great opportunity to get chosen never mind read. We shall see.
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