Dare to Defy

I'm really sad that Supergirl moved to the CW instead of being on CBS again this coming season. Don't have cable in my apartment and the CW doesn't offer captions with their online streaming, as far as I know. This show has caused me to think about my life in different ways -- good ways. The lessons I've learned I've posted on this blog for the last year and I had hoped to do it again, but I may not be able to. Once these are on DVD though, I will be sure to get them. I love how clean this show is and I hope it will continue to be so, but I won't hold my breath.

Dare to Defy is her motto and I've been thinking about this a lot because I still struggle how to identify myself sometimes. There are days/weeks where I know who I am and refuse to let someone pull me or make me second-guess myself. Then there are other times where I feel like crying; like I'm starting all over again. 

I don't feel African American nor Deaf. I know based on my skin color, I am. I know based on my degree of hearing loss, I am. However, very often I am not accepted in either of those groups. Mind you, there are those who do and I'm grateful for them. I didn't grow up in a predominantly black neighborhood. I didn't grow up with ASL. I'm not "down with it" nor am I fluent in ASL. I have quite a few white friends, Asian friends, friends of the African persuasion, hearing friends and Deaf friends. I like being around all of them. I especially enjoy being able to be myself around them. I don't have to talk like I'm from the Bronx or pretend I can fingerspell like lightening. 

When people ask me if I've watched the Color Purple or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and when I say, "No," I'm greeted with a look that says, "Exccuuuuuse me?!" People ask me whether I'm Deaf or not and when I say I am deaf, they're not sure if I'm telling the truth. "Are you really Deaf or are you really hard-of-hearing?" Today, that question threw me. For so long I struggled with how to identify myself in that manner. At first it was, no I'm not Deaf because in my mind I thought Deaf meant I was stupid. The way hearing people referred to me in high school was as if I was stupid. There are many things I can't hear without my hearing aids. With them, I can understand the world around me better so in a way with them I become hard-of-hearing. At the same time, I'm not sure I like that term. While I didn't grow up D/deaf at all, I refer to myself as deaf (not Deaf) because I didn't grow up with ASL or understanding Deaf Culture. I grew up in a hearing environment and was taught how to speak.

I don't like feeling on the fence and I wish I could just be one and be done with it. No questions asked. I don't like having to defend how I label myself. I don't even like labeling myself at all. Dare to defy has such a deeper meaning for me. Even if others try to put me in a box, I won't fit. I refuse to fit.