New Year

This time of year everyone writes down what they would like to change in the new year. Sometimes it's about eating habits or exercise. Maybe it's about taking a step back from a busy lifestyle. Mine is jumbled mix of things.

First, I want to make the most of my 20s. I'm tired of focusing on the negative about my life and I just wish to turn things around and have fun!

Second, not to be scared of the future. In high school, I had a plan. That plan went out the window. Freshman year of college, I had a plan. That one too went out the window. Junior year, I had a plan. You'd think I would have learned but no, it too went out the window. Now, I have no plan and it terrifies me. My future is a blank slate and that's ok.

Third, people have told me that I emanate confidence but inside I don't feel that way. Sure, I've grown to the point where I'm happy being Ruth Elisabeth Jackson through and through but there are things I really wish I could change. Sometimes, it surprises me how many people actually like me. That just sounded supremely depressing, but it was only after high school when I starting liking myself. This new year, I want to believe in myself fully.

Fourth, trusting God that He indeed wants me to be happy and not miserable. My mind always goes back to the times where I hated myself and wanted out which causes me to wonder if He wanted that. He never gave me anything better during that time. But the past is the past and I want to look forward to my future, my career. Sometimes I wonder if we are even on the same page. This one is going to be a hard one, but I am determined to stick with Him and see what He's thinking. (I'm praying I'll like it)

Happy New Year!

Sometimes Going Through the Fire Helps

Compared to some people I'm a baby, being "only" 23. Though the way I see it, I've been through a lot. I've felt like dirt, I've been ecstatic, I've seen kids as young as 5 treat their classmates like scum of the earth. There are times when God hates me. There are also times where I feel so blessed, no one could possibly bring me down. I don't understand why I've been through all the lows I have nor do I see the positive implications of them. I can speculate all day and not truly see the reasons why.

I keep reminding myself that there is a reason for my life and that God has a plan. Maybe the reason for Hell High School was so that I would be of assistance to Nobul Apparel, a non-profit I blog for. The whole existence of that company is to promote bullying awareness and to help others see the negative impacts of their actions. If I hadn't been treated with such contempt, I wouldn't have any personal stories to tell or feel the need to be an advocate against bullying. I still don't like what I went through and if I was thrown back in time, I'd stand up for myself better or even yet, begged harder to transfer out of that place.

Another reason for going through fire could be so that I would be a stronger individual. Now, I've never been one to cling to people or absolutely need a buddy to go to the bathroom, but with all the people who've struck havoc upon my life and ruined my trust and faith, I've been more careful and somewhat stricter on who I let into my life. There are certain kinds of people I'd rather not hang out with all the time. If people always talk down about someone else, who's to say they don't do the same to you when you're not around? I only want true friends who will be there when the ugliness clouds my thinking or I feel like hurting myself. Not those who are only with me when it's party time.

Going through the fire can be helpful to appreciate the blessings that come and not take anything for granted.