On the Inside, but Still on the Outside Looking In

You know that feeling where you start to feel like you belong? Then something happens, could be the littlest thing like two friends talking/whispering and you're not included. They begin to laugh and you look up. They're not even looking your way or acknowledging you. How does that make you feel? For me, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't want to be needy. In fact, I hate it when people act that way. So I make it a point not to do the same.

My friends tell me they miss me all the time. Their words very often don't match their actions. Am I missing something? In my heart, I know that if I got into a car accident or if I needed a shoulder to cry on, they'd come running. But what about the day to day stuff? No, I'm not asking for a 20 minute conversation every single day, but when two people can go months without talking to one another and not feel something's missing...I'm not sure what to do with that.

I've been in long distance relationships where one doesn't have internet at all so I rarely got to communicate with them. That is understandable where two people go without talking for awhile and still be close. Don't get me wrong, I still hate that kind of relationship, but at least I know why.

We are blessed to live in the United States where everyone is just a tap away on our phones or computers. Even though we have all this technology, many people still feel lonely. Why? We have more of a relationship with words on a screen than the actual person. Distance, physical distance, can be a huge strain I know. Sometimes, Skype isn't even enough. So what should we lonely people do?

Idea! Get out of the house and find people. This isn't easy, trust me. I hate being the new girl. But I've found it to be quite rewarding to meet new people. Ones who don't know the terrible things you've done or seen the tears you've shed. A fresh start. I love that.

Broken

A heart too often broken,
keeping it wide open
isn't safe, yet I keep on
letting someone else in close
is a risk, yet I keep on
putting someone else in charge
is scary, yet I keep on

Alone

Even though I have many friends, I feel alone. Why? We are now all separated by work and furthering our education after college. Communication is a huge deal to me when it comes to relationships and some just don't get it and I'm not sure how to help them see my dilemma. I love hanging out with them and when we can, we get together. Being back at Ithaca was awesome mainly because I was back "home" with my friends. They say home is where the heart is and my heart is in Ithaca. My real reality doesn't feel like home but just a place where I sleep and eat. My parents are there and occasionally my younger sister, but for the most part I don't have a reason to stick around.

Being alone stinks and is the worst part of post-grad life. Sure, I made friends at work and I like them, but never do things outside of work. I feel like I'm inside but still looking in, ya know? Sometimes there are fun outings with some kids from another church, so there's a plus. Maybe I shouldn't worry about this so much since I work a lot, but it's money or a social life. Why can't I have both? Someday, I will have a normal working job and will get to hang out with people my own age. Waiting for that day. Until then, I'm alone.

Family

Family doesn't have to just mean your flesh and blood, it can mean a church family, neighbors, best friends or a group/club you are a part of.

I'm blessed to have so many families and I cherish each one, at least I try to. These days those outside of my birth family, they are mostly older than 30. It's nice to hang out with people your own age. Who will disagree with that?

Loved being able to hang with my HOP family last weekend! It felt so good to be with them and really catch up. Even though, we live in the 21st century, it's hard to keep up with friends when they are busy.

For my birthday last year, I was happy to be with two older friends who took me out on a boat ride then lunch. They are both over 40, but fun to be around. I'm glad I had them to hang with otherwise I'd be by myself or with my parents all day.

Finding the silver lining in situations like this is what makes me smile. Someday when I'm on my own, I hope I will continue to look for the bight side in situations.

Never give up, no matter how bleak the situation is.

Sad Eyes

Lying to people I don't know very well, that's easy. Lying to people I know care about my life is extremely depressing. I don't want them to know the truth; the raw grief inside. It's killing me, but I'd rather hide it than leave it exposed.
I can laugh even though I feel like crying. I force myself to be social even when I'd rather bury myself into my pillow.
Talking about the pain doesn't lessen it; it just forces me to relive it. No matter how many times I try to explain why I am upset, it doesn't get me anywhere. No one knows what I'm feeling.
Praying doesn't seem to help either. He doesn't seem to be listening or even care. Remembering that He doesn't forsake His children, doesn't put a smile on my face. What are You doing?
Those who know me can tell I'm not myself. My eyes tell them I'm not happy, but I don't want to voice why.
Sad Eyes, go away. Be happy again.