Broken

A heart too often broken,
keeping it wide open
isn't safe, yet I keep on
letting someone else in close
is a risk, yet I keep on
putting someone else in charge
is scary, yet I keep on

Alone

Even though I have many friends, I feel alone. Why? We are now all separated by work and furthering our education after college. Communication is a huge deal to me when it comes to relationships and some just don't get it and I'm not sure how to help them see my dilemma. I love hanging out with them and when we can, we get together. Being back at Ithaca was awesome mainly because I was back "home" with my friends. They say home is where the heart is and my heart is in Ithaca. My real reality doesn't feel like home but just a place where I sleep and eat. My parents are there and occasionally my younger sister, but for the most part I don't have a reason to stick around.

Being alone stinks and is the worst part of post-grad life. Sure, I made friends at work and I like them, but never do things outside of work. I feel like I'm inside but still looking in, ya know? Sometimes there are fun outings with some kids from another church, so there's a plus. Maybe I shouldn't worry about this so much since I work a lot, but it's money or a social life. Why can't I have both? Someday, I will have a normal working job and will get to hang out with people my own age. Waiting for that day. Until then, I'm alone.

Family

Family doesn't have to just mean your flesh and blood, it can mean a church family, neighbors, best friends or a group/club you are a part of.

I'm blessed to have so many families and I cherish each one, at least I try to. These days those outside of my birth family, they are mostly older than 30. It's nice to hang out with people your own age. Who will disagree with that?

Loved being able to hang with my HOP family last weekend! It felt so good to be with them and really catch up. Even though, we live in the 21st century, it's hard to keep up with friends when they are busy.

For my birthday last year, I was happy to be with two older friends who took me out on a boat ride then lunch. They are both over 40, but fun to be around. I'm glad I had them to hang with otherwise I'd be by myself or with my parents all day.

Finding the silver lining in situations like this is what makes me smile. Someday when I'm on my own, I hope I will continue to look for the bight side in situations.

Never give up, no matter how bleak the situation is.

Sad Eyes

Lying to people I don't know very well, that's easy. Lying to people I know care about my life is extremely depressing. I don't want them to know the truth; the raw grief inside. It's killing me, but I'd rather hide it than leave it exposed.
I can laugh even though I feel like crying. I force myself to be social even when I'd rather bury myself into my pillow.
Talking about the pain doesn't lessen it; it just forces me to relive it. No matter how many times I try to explain why I am upset, it doesn't get me anywhere. No one knows what I'm feeling.
Praying doesn't seem to help either. He doesn't seem to be listening or even care. Remembering that He doesn't forsake His children, doesn't put a smile on my face. What are You doing?
Those who know me can tell I'm not myself. My eyes tell them I'm not happy, but I don't want to voice why.
Sad Eyes, go away. Be happy again.

Trust

Trust is important in every kind of relationship whether it's business or personal. When someone breaks that trust, it's very hard to get it back. My view of it all, trust is earned not given. For example, if I do something stupid and cause a friend of mine to lose trust or confidence in me, I would do everything in my power to get that back. Since I'm a writer, I tend to use that skill in order to bring people back to me. I'm a better communicator on paper than I am talking out loud. So I write letters or poem to the people I've hurt so that they may see how sorry I am for hurting them and wish to start over.
When two people become friends, they must build trust before an "official friendship" begins, right? You learn about each other's likes and dislikes and pet-peeves. You try to remember all those especially if a birthday comes up. If someone wanted to be my friend and they knew my favorite candy is Skittles then giving me a king size bag for my birthday would MAKE MY DAY! This is the beginning of love/trust/commitment in a sense. It doesn't even have to involve money. It could be just being there when the other person needs a shoulder or a listening ear. Maybe you scored concert tickets from someone who was giving them away and it happens to be a favorite band or team.
Once you begin to trust someone. Love isn't far behind and I don't mean the "I will love you until the day I die" kind. I mean the kind of love that puts the other person's feelings first and wanting to do whatever it takes to see the other smile.
A lot of people don't like the Bible because it's old and "out dated." I will agree with them up to a point. So many practical lessons can be learned from this dusty book. "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians chapter 13: 4 - 7
This is real love and real trust is just the beginning.
When I trust someone, seriously trust, I tend to hold nothing back. I love going all out on my friends' birthdays and Christmas and enjoy being there for them. Of course, when it comes to "no secrets," it's very hard to not want to hold the bad things back. Honestly, I can't wait to feel like I don't have to hide anything and to be free to love.
Trust is the rock of every relationship and it needs to be solid less it crumble. It's takes two people to build it and both need to come to agreements and be willing to work at it equally.