Lately, I have been having flash backs from my past. Certain words used to cut me up or hard looks meant to keep me from saying what I really want to say. Sometimes it's just the fact that my friends stood idly by while this all happened. I wonder what would have happened if I knew how to stand up for myself better back then. Though honestly, I think I would have been expelled if I had said or done the things I wanted to. Instead I kept my head down, but I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision.
I've noticed that my past has continued to haunt me in various ways both night and day. Whether or not they were mistakes that I personally made or things that people did to me that have caused me to be more cautious and sometimes down right scared. There are things that I don't want repeated.
I wish I weren't so scared of so many things in life. I wish I could feel more free. On the flip side, as a young woman I realize that it pays to be careful. I don't want to ever have to break a man's nose or use mace, but it's something that many of us have had to do. I don't like being on high alert every time someone walks too close behind me. However, being like that has probably helped me avoid serious problems.
Not letting the past rob me from living my life the way I want to is a struggle. While I don't want to be the cause for getting into trouble, I don't want to be nervous about everything either. It's a growing up process, I know.
God....we have some serious work to do here. Being an adult is hard, but I'm looking forward to becoming the best woman of God I can be.
